I’m a bit of a control freak. That’s weird to put on the internet, but if you know me in person – especially well enough to have been in my home – it’s pretty obvious.
I like my kitchen towels folded a particular way, the beds made a specific way, the walls an intentionally chosen color. I have a method for wiping down the kitchen, resetting the living spaces, and even the fridge. Don’t get me started on the proper way to load a dishwasher. My books, clothes, and aprons are organized by color. My drawers are in order, our closets tidy, and the occasional doom pile is usually fixed within a day or two.
Thankfully, my home (& my husband) don’t mind relinquishing control on any of those things. My kids, however, are another story. I know it shouldn’t matter to me which clothes they like, what hairstyle they want for the day, or what book to read next. I know this. Deep in my soul, I recognize they are fully whole little people with their own preferences and personalities. Putting that into practice is very, very difficult for me. Or at least, it was difficult for me until about two weeks ago when my in-laws came to visit.
My father-in-law and I were chatting as usual – we are hands down the chatterboxes in the family – when he said something that clicked in my brain. Hopefully he forgives me for misquoting here, but essentially it was if you know the why behind the behavior, it’s much easier to address. We were talking about wanting control at the time. Pausing for a moment and evaluating, I realized for me, personally, it boils down to fear. What if a kid makes fun of my little love’s hairstyle? Or their clothes? Or their rooms? Or really anything about them? If I’ve chosen, I feel like they can say, “oh, my mom picked it” and brush off their hurt. And, wow, is that ridiculous, right? I don’t want that when I really think about it. I want them to be strong enough to say “you don’t have to like it, it’s ok that I do!” with a smile on their little faces. I want them to be comfortable being themselves in the face of different opinions, even if the differing opinion is mine.
Disclaimer/Reality Check: Identifying the why behind the behavior applies to many, many things. Hangry toddler melt-downs, riled-over-tired bedtimes, and after school collapse all come to mind immediately. Incase anyone was wondering, the why behind my house control boils down to being afraid of not finding what I need when I need it. This column will be about motherhood, parenting, and homemaking for the most part. It could be on anything from curating your friend group to planting an orchard. Most importantly, I don’t ever want this column to make another mama think she’s not doing enough. If you’re reading this, I want you to know that you are, you’re doing great, keep it up. Sing it with me: no-one is doing it allllll!
