Seven years into this parenting thing, and I’m just now learning how much easier loving is when you’re not tracking.
I’m not talking about tracking the basics. Go ahead and keep tracking who needs to eat a snack before they get hangry, which kiddo needs the next size shoes, the newest veggie they’ll actually eat, where you’re at on teaching them to read, which friends have birthday parties coming up, and all the other day-to-day comings and goings.
What you can (& should) stop tracking is the emotional score. Stop counting how many weeks you’ve gone without a full night’s sleep. Stop remembering how many tantrums you’ve tamed this morning. Stop calculating how many times in a row you’ve read the storybook in a row. Stop scoring your kid’s behavior against your own actions.
Let’s play this out in real time. It’s early morning. The previous night, your seven year old woke up with a nightmare at 3am. By the time you got him settled back in bed, your five year old was stirring and attempting to crawl into bed for snuggles. Needless to say, it was not a restful night. At the crack of dawn, the three year old melts down over something – your guess is as good as mine – before your coffee even brews. It would be so, so easy at this point to think “oh my GOSH! I’ve been working for y’all all night! I’m tired! I’m grumpy! Go away!” But will that really help anything? Of course not. What will help? Probably taking a deep breath and giving her a hug. Maybe holding her while the coffee brews? Who knows? Not me. All I know is keeping a running tally of everything you’ve already done will make it worse. So much worse.
Give it a shot. See how much easier it is to put extra love into parenting when you’re not holding onto everything you’ve already done. See how much more you enjoy the snuggles when you’re not trying to think about how much time it’s taking for that nightmare to dissipate. Notice how quick you are to give a hug when you let go of the residual tantrum stress from an hour ago. Watch yourself enjoy the good moments because you’re not comparing them to the bad.
Disclaimer/Reality Check: I not saying ignore your needs. If you need sleep, voice it to your support system. I’m saying keeping track of everything you’ve already given won’t make loving your little people any easier. This column will be about motherhood, parenting, and homemaking for the most part. It might be on 90s style childhoods or why my mother-in-law is the best mother-in-law. Most importantly, I don’t ever want this column to make another mama think she’s not doing enough. If you’re reading this, I want you to know that you are, you’re doing great, keep it up. Sing it with me: no-one is doing it allllll!
